A sobering week of both the humility of back-pedaling and bittersweet pride of survival
The past 3 weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. I moved from my sisters place to my mothers' place, a move I thought would be very emotional and demeaning, but actually has made me feel much more supported and emboldened. I mean, who's heard of a 25 year old single man moving back into his parents place being a good thing in any context? But, since it's only for one semester and is already making my financial life much more manageable after some expensive car repairs and still paying off my tuition as I attend school. Besides some occasional feelings of ennui, it's been nice to reconnect with my parents- especially while they're enjoying one of the more exciting parts of their life as well.
I wish I could say that I'd figured out all of the confusing role therapy stuff that I talked about last week, but I haven't. I've been thinking about it a lot, but mostly I've just come to some simple conclusions. Namely, that I don't want to create a character right now. Whoever he'd be would be created to cope with a very temporary phase of my life that I despise. I hate school. So rather, I've decided to turn the next 5-6 months of my life into a complex, preparatory session for the more important part of my life (in my mind), post-school life. I made the analogy of a musician getting his instrument ready before singing/playing, and that seems to match the emotions I have around it the most.
Part of me feels like that's laziness- that I should be able to do all the hard things I want to do right now and just cope with school as a distraction. But, the older, more tired, and a little more wise part of me has made peace with the idea that life comes in seasons. It will feel and be better to try to be "higher octane" in my efforts later on.
Also, my DND group is going to have it's finale session this Wednesday and I'm so pumped, I think it's going to go over really, really well. If you're reading this and need podcast-ish material to listen to, hit me up, I think the pacing is actually pretty good.
On to some of the negative stuff. One of my coworkers at Papa Johns' couldn't make it in today. Their significant other died yesterday, of what she said was an overdose. Meeting with death so casually, and with someone that you'd seen alive just a couple days ago is always sobering. When I imagine talking about my life or giving advise to younger people (as I'm sure many closet narcissists do), I think I'll make my first step/ bit of advise for all ages is, "Don't be dead." Because truly, that is the first step to any accomplishment, and one many brilliant people fail to make. Maybe that humor is a little too dry and cold. I dunno, It's stuck in my head though. I've really come to love my quaint little pizza job, it's not much, but it's honest work and enough to get me through my school expenses comfortably and without debt.
The other is this huge dramatic problem that came up at the Utah Repertory Theater this week. There was a large actor walk-out due to mistreatment and poor management. I know a lot of the people involved, some closely, others tangentially. But, it's sobering to see a theater apparently get it so wrong. The end-road of why I'm getting a degree and making it my goal to accumulate a little wealth is to create a business/ create wealth from which I can create more art. It would actually kill me to hear that my theater had hurt such wonderful people in such profound ways as the victims are describing. I feel the responsibility of that aspiration is very heavy.
I always feel like I have more to say and then run out of things to say so quickly. Regardless, here's to the survival of finals and the joy of life.
I wish I could say that I'd figured out all of the confusing role therapy stuff that I talked about last week, but I haven't. I've been thinking about it a lot, but mostly I've just come to some simple conclusions. Namely, that I don't want to create a character right now. Whoever he'd be would be created to cope with a very temporary phase of my life that I despise. I hate school. So rather, I've decided to turn the next 5-6 months of my life into a complex, preparatory session for the more important part of my life (in my mind), post-school life. I made the analogy of a musician getting his instrument ready before singing/playing, and that seems to match the emotions I have around it the most.
Part of me feels like that's laziness- that I should be able to do all the hard things I want to do right now and just cope with school as a distraction. But, the older, more tired, and a little more wise part of me has made peace with the idea that life comes in seasons. It will feel and be better to try to be "higher octane" in my efforts later on.
Also, my DND group is going to have it's finale session this Wednesday and I'm so pumped, I think it's going to go over really, really well. If you're reading this and need podcast-ish material to listen to, hit me up, I think the pacing is actually pretty good.
On to some of the negative stuff. One of my coworkers at Papa Johns' couldn't make it in today. Their significant other died yesterday, of what she said was an overdose. Meeting with death so casually, and with someone that you'd seen alive just a couple days ago is always sobering. When I imagine talking about my life or giving advise to younger people (as I'm sure many closet narcissists do), I think I'll make my first step/ bit of advise for all ages is, "Don't be dead." Because truly, that is the first step to any accomplishment, and one many brilliant people fail to make. Maybe that humor is a little too dry and cold. I dunno, It's stuck in my head though. I've really come to love my quaint little pizza job, it's not much, but it's honest work and enough to get me through my school expenses comfortably and without debt.
The other is this huge dramatic problem that came up at the Utah Repertory Theater this week. There was a large actor walk-out due to mistreatment and poor management. I know a lot of the people involved, some closely, others tangentially. But, it's sobering to see a theater apparently get it so wrong. The end-road of why I'm getting a degree and making it my goal to accumulate a little wealth is to create a business/ create wealth from which I can create more art. It would actually kill me to hear that my theater had hurt such wonderful people in such profound ways as the victims are describing. I feel the responsibility of that aspiration is very heavy.
I always feel like I have more to say and then run out of things to say so quickly. Regardless, here's to the survival of finals and the joy of life.
Comments
Post a Comment