December 17th 2017 (5 months after China)
It feels about right to do this post after I had a pretty big disappointment and an even bigger success. I was asked to accompany someone on two vocal pieces and I failed big time. They even got the music to me in advance and I couldn't find time to practice. Looking over it I figured I'd be able to pull it off and man have my skills atrophied over the past couple years without active practice. But then after that I accompanied the Improv Broadway group and had a good deal of success. Only one number had an awkward spell where I couldn't figure it out all the way, but even then it was pretty quick to get back on it. I'm just skilled enough to do the improv piano work for them without feeling better than it and like I should be paid, so I'm probably a perfect fit for them. I enjoy doing it immensely though, I really get into it, and pull out some funky sounds on the side.
Another reason why this dual day made me pause was that I realized this was my last artistic pursuit I had on the calendar for the foreseeable future. I've been sacrificing so many things so that I could find more time to work, more time to increase my income by any means possible. And, it's been very ennobling, it's been hard, and it's been a lot of drudgery. I've been working usually 60-80 hours a week and it's easily double to triple what I have to work to maintain overhead comfortably right now. Once I'm debt free it will be at least four times what I need to maintain overhead.
I was hoping that this goal would take about this much time to accomplish, and I've made huge progress, but with my current trajectory I'll probably not be done until this Spring, but that will be with paying for a trip to New York, California, and eventually Europe, which is sort of a dream. The fact that this goal has taken me longer than I anticipated is indicative of a problem more deeply seated.
Ever since I've left for China, (and really a good month before) I've been trying to commit myself to a higher code of excellence. Call it elitism, but I've desperately wanted to establish a legacy. I want myself and my family to be known for spiritual fidelity, economic responsibility, self-fulfillment, and most importantly PASSION. I've had a lot of success, not as much as I'd like, but I've also realized a lot of my initial expectations were unreasonable. Not unrealistic, just juvenile. But, success is weird. If you want to be and do more than is the norm you have to not be the norm. You gotta be weird, bizarre even.
This work, becoming deliberately exceptional, is hard. It's like a tilting needle back and forth. On one side there's under-working and not pushing oneself as hard as they can, and then there's overworking and being unhealthy to the point that the work is unsustainable. I break apart and have to invest more energy in being healthy enough to work again. There's a sweet green zone where I work as hard as I can and still am being healthy enough to not have to worry about my health. I think about this way more than I should. I think I've begun slowly tilting the needle toward under-working lately. I've let the failures of past attempts limit the scope of my vision.
Now I'm going to build new goals, and new expectations. Built in mind of, but not limited by the experiences and lessons I've learned over the next year. My current main goal is still the Dave Ramsey Solvency, and until that goal is done, I can't put another one in its place. I have learned however, that there has to be supplementary smaller goals alone the way. Running and muscle mass, Chinese study, and arts projects are the ones that immediately come to mind, however I will be attending college next semester as well. Effectively I need to build a schedule of goals that correlate to what is needed when. It's a complex question, but not having a plan is planning to fail. And even though every plan is "flawed" and leads to a "flawed" completion, I prefer that to nothing at all.
A big part of my vision of the future, is my family, and that family starts with a friend, then best friend, and then wife. I've learned in the past that both pushing love that I don't feel and relying on intense feelings of love alone are both terrible options, so now I need to find a happy balance between the both. I've been dating a lot and finding out more of what I want and like, but the older I get, the more I feel that really the persons most important qualities are their values and moral compass. You can make any sort of relationship work I think, as long as that person has integrity and similar morals. For instance, I can't see myself having a relationship with anyone that doesn't view parenthood as a huge part of human accomplishment. I don't think people who don't feel that way are terrible, but that's a large part of my worldview and I can't see a relationship with someone who doesn't feel that way. I could probably "fall in love" with someone who felt that way, but once it came to deciding if I would nurture and sustain that love, it'd probably fall away upon knowing that. I dunno, been thinking a lot about this. If I had this figured out I would be married right? (Ha, as if married people have all the answers... wait do they?)
I have lost track of the last two journals I have been writing in, which is a bad sign. Tracking my progress has fallen by the wayside and I've stagnated. Work is never done. This blog has allowed me to get some thoughts out, but I'll make another journal and use it to track my goal progress and measure things more independently. I may start making blog posts about what my goals are and what progress I've been having, give me a way to be more accountable.
Thank you for reading! This was just my stream of consciousness and I didn't edit at all, please let me know if you have a book to help me in my quests, or have opinions. No man is an Island!
It feels about right to do this post after I had a pretty big disappointment and an even bigger success. I was asked to accompany someone on two vocal pieces and I failed big time. They even got the music to me in advance and I couldn't find time to practice. Looking over it I figured I'd be able to pull it off and man have my skills atrophied over the past couple years without active practice. But then after that I accompanied the Improv Broadway group and had a good deal of success. Only one number had an awkward spell where I couldn't figure it out all the way, but even then it was pretty quick to get back on it. I'm just skilled enough to do the improv piano work for them without feeling better than it and like I should be paid, so I'm probably a perfect fit for them. I enjoy doing it immensely though, I really get into it, and pull out some funky sounds on the side.
Another reason why this dual day made me pause was that I realized this was my last artistic pursuit I had on the calendar for the foreseeable future. I've been sacrificing so many things so that I could find more time to work, more time to increase my income by any means possible. And, it's been very ennobling, it's been hard, and it's been a lot of drudgery. I've been working usually 60-80 hours a week and it's easily double to triple what I have to work to maintain overhead comfortably right now. Once I'm debt free it will be at least four times what I need to maintain overhead.
I was hoping that this goal would take about this much time to accomplish, and I've made huge progress, but with my current trajectory I'll probably not be done until this Spring, but that will be with paying for a trip to New York, California, and eventually Europe, which is sort of a dream. The fact that this goal has taken me longer than I anticipated is indicative of a problem more deeply seated.
Ever since I've left for China, (and really a good month before) I've been trying to commit myself to a higher code of excellence. Call it elitism, but I've desperately wanted to establish a legacy. I want myself and my family to be known for spiritual fidelity, economic responsibility, self-fulfillment, and most importantly PASSION. I've had a lot of success, not as much as I'd like, but I've also realized a lot of my initial expectations were unreasonable. Not unrealistic, just juvenile. But, success is weird. If you want to be and do more than is the norm you have to not be the norm. You gotta be weird, bizarre even.
This work, becoming deliberately exceptional, is hard. It's like a tilting needle back and forth. On one side there's under-working and not pushing oneself as hard as they can, and then there's overworking and being unhealthy to the point that the work is unsustainable. I break apart and have to invest more energy in being healthy enough to work again. There's a sweet green zone where I work as hard as I can and still am being healthy enough to not have to worry about my health. I think about this way more than I should. I think I've begun slowly tilting the needle toward under-working lately. I've let the failures of past attempts limit the scope of my vision.
Now I'm going to build new goals, and new expectations. Built in mind of, but not limited by the experiences and lessons I've learned over the next year. My current main goal is still the Dave Ramsey Solvency, and until that goal is done, I can't put another one in its place. I have learned however, that there has to be supplementary smaller goals alone the way. Running and muscle mass, Chinese study, and arts projects are the ones that immediately come to mind, however I will be attending college next semester as well. Effectively I need to build a schedule of goals that correlate to what is needed when. It's a complex question, but not having a plan is planning to fail. And even though every plan is "flawed" and leads to a "flawed" completion, I prefer that to nothing at all.
A big part of my vision of the future, is my family, and that family starts with a friend, then best friend, and then wife. I've learned in the past that both pushing love that I don't feel and relying on intense feelings of love alone are both terrible options, so now I need to find a happy balance between the both. I've been dating a lot and finding out more of what I want and like, but the older I get, the more I feel that really the persons most important qualities are their values and moral compass. You can make any sort of relationship work I think, as long as that person has integrity and similar morals. For instance, I can't see myself having a relationship with anyone that doesn't view parenthood as a huge part of human accomplishment. I don't think people who don't feel that way are terrible, but that's a large part of my worldview and I can't see a relationship with someone who doesn't feel that way. I could probably "fall in love" with someone who felt that way, but once it came to deciding if I would nurture and sustain that love, it'd probably fall away upon knowing that. I dunno, been thinking a lot about this. If I had this figured out I would be married right? (Ha, as if married people have all the answers... wait do they?)
I have lost track of the last two journals I have been writing in, which is a bad sign. Tracking my progress has fallen by the wayside and I've stagnated. Work is never done. This blog has allowed me to get some thoughts out, but I'll make another journal and use it to track my goal progress and measure things more independently. I may start making blog posts about what my goals are and what progress I've been having, give me a way to be more accountable.
Thank you for reading! This was just my stream of consciousness and I didn't edit at all, please let me know if you have a book to help me in my quests, or have opinions. No man is an Island!
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