January 14th 2018 (6 Months after China, and last time I'll measure time in reference to that)
January 14th 2018 (6 Months after China)
Incredible how quickly time moves, I still remember walking off of that plane as if it was yesterday. Can't wait to get back out there, but I've made a conviction to myself to do so again after I'm married. So naturally I'll be there 20 times over before I get married. Regardless.
I've had a solid month, I paid off my credit card and ticket home from Shanghai, as well as established my emergency fund. I started school last week and have been enjoying being a little more academically minded, even though keeping up with the class has required little to no effort so far, but even as I say that I just saw that some of the homework was updated, again, not too worried. I've even taken the past two weeks off from work, only got like 35-40 hours of work rather than the normal 60ish. Time to vamp back up. Taking more pizza shifts, donating more plasma, and getting clever about my income while budgeting carefully, I'll be out of debt in no time.
The big thing on my mind right now, literally and figuratively, is bipolar. I've done incredibly well over the past year learning how to manage my condition extremely well. I've trained my feelings to be more moderate and slowed down my decision making, and have learned to be more content. I have also be HELLA bored. I suppose bored is the word to use? Frankly, being manic is fun. It's exciting, it makes everything feel snappy and responsive, the lens of manic is really hard to give up. But, to make myself feel more safe from the pain it's caused me in the past- I've numbed myself to it, I've forced myself into lower states of activity and intensity in the name of safety. And it's been great! I'm solid on taking the medication I have for it, I've been slowly building myself as opposed to moving in sudden violent bursts... but.
I want to feel that intensity again. And, working with a therapist, staying on medications, and taking it step by step, I'm going to let myself start working and pushing through more intense emotions and goals. I've already started playing around with it, and it's really not very different, not yet anyways. Being manic isn't magic, it doesn't magically make things happen, and it doesn't make me greater or more capable than anyone else. It just feels like it does. And really, that's half the battle some of the time. Thankfully I've never been psychotic, which is a problem the vast majority of bipolar people have, that fact alone gives me a lot of comfort letting me take this chance. But really, bipolar is like the muse, the madman, the genius- and it's dangerous. Give it an inch and it'll take a mile, but I want a mile.
The biggest concern I have when it comes to mania, is social life. I've been coping with social life problems the past year, really through being a shut in. Not engaging. And that's for good reason- people are an easy trigger for manias. They're competent, talented, opinionated- hanging out with them for any duration of time can inspire forward motion, collaboration, new goals. All of them are great, but usually hollow plotting-which doesn't matter until something is actually done. But, I've learned more and more how to put my money where my mouth is and not waste the time of the people in my life, business or otherwise. I'm socially competent, but I don't think it's fair to be manic to the people around me, and it drives people away. On the same hand I think it's deceitful to be as mild-mannered as I've been the past year, especially on the romantic front. I want them to see my mania and know what it means.
Sooooo, yeah. Onto the goal portion!
Primary I got like 37 hours of work in this week, so not nearly as much as I'd like. But my bigger paycheck was less than I was anticipating as well, so my car still is not paid off. Also apparently I need to get a doctor's note to donate plasma again? I guess I've just been donating too much S: I have budgeted much better this month though!
What I learned
Sometimes, you just have to rest.
Secondary I improvised 1 hour? ): But I did play around with a new blues improv bit. Didn't write at all or put together any sort of improv group, lets see about this next week.
What I learned
Again, gotta rest, and usually it's just better to do big chunks of stuff and not spread it out so much, if you can do it, do it.
Upkeep
a. Didn't run at all...
b. I did finish reading that book from last week! So score!
c. I did sing, had some choir practice go down.
d. I did not read any BoM, but I did pray daily! And I bought a new Book of Mormon for the Neilson challenge because I lost the other one...
e. I did go on a date, but it was a very relaxed one, we just watched Bells of Notre Dame and it was lovely. (: I played DnD yesterday! And while I don't enjoy the game nearly so much as I used to I think I'll like it again someday... May be a while though, just too work focused right now.
f. I did do all of my Chinese study I planned on doing. While we were playing DnD I just got out my notebooks and finished up my stuff...
What I learned
Upkeep stuff works, but really any goal without a long-view in mind is just sort of meh, I made the same mistake on the Secondary section.
So, next week, I'm not going to list my goals here. I think it was fun for a bit, but it's a little oversharing I suppose? Not that I'm terribly worried about that, I just put a whole diatribe up there about how I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, but I think it's important to share things like that, and doing it more casually sort of takes the bite off of it I think. I may go back to doing the goal thing. So if you have to wonder what my goal is for this week, it's to experiment with higher energy emotional states.
Incredible how quickly time moves, I still remember walking off of that plane as if it was yesterday. Can't wait to get back out there, but I've made a conviction to myself to do so again after I'm married. So naturally I'll be there 20 times over before I get married. Regardless.
I've had a solid month, I paid off my credit card and ticket home from Shanghai, as well as established my emergency fund. I started school last week and have been enjoying being a little more academically minded, even though keeping up with the class has required little to no effort so far, but even as I say that I just saw that some of the homework was updated, again, not too worried. I've even taken the past two weeks off from work, only got like 35-40 hours of work rather than the normal 60ish. Time to vamp back up. Taking more pizza shifts, donating more plasma, and getting clever about my income while budgeting carefully, I'll be out of debt in no time.
The big thing on my mind right now, literally and figuratively, is bipolar. I've done incredibly well over the past year learning how to manage my condition extremely well. I've trained my feelings to be more moderate and slowed down my decision making, and have learned to be more content. I have also be HELLA bored. I suppose bored is the word to use? Frankly, being manic is fun. It's exciting, it makes everything feel snappy and responsive, the lens of manic is really hard to give up. But, to make myself feel more safe from the pain it's caused me in the past- I've numbed myself to it, I've forced myself into lower states of activity and intensity in the name of safety. And it's been great! I'm solid on taking the medication I have for it, I've been slowly building myself as opposed to moving in sudden violent bursts... but.
I want to feel that intensity again. And, working with a therapist, staying on medications, and taking it step by step, I'm going to let myself start working and pushing through more intense emotions and goals. I've already started playing around with it, and it's really not very different, not yet anyways. Being manic isn't magic, it doesn't magically make things happen, and it doesn't make me greater or more capable than anyone else. It just feels like it does. And really, that's half the battle some of the time. Thankfully I've never been psychotic, which is a problem the vast majority of bipolar people have, that fact alone gives me a lot of comfort letting me take this chance. But really, bipolar is like the muse, the madman, the genius- and it's dangerous. Give it an inch and it'll take a mile, but I want a mile.
The biggest concern I have when it comes to mania, is social life. I've been coping with social life problems the past year, really through being a shut in. Not engaging. And that's for good reason- people are an easy trigger for manias. They're competent, talented, opinionated- hanging out with them for any duration of time can inspire forward motion, collaboration, new goals. All of them are great, but usually hollow plotting-which doesn't matter until something is actually done. But, I've learned more and more how to put my money where my mouth is and not waste the time of the people in my life, business or otherwise. I'm socially competent, but I don't think it's fair to be manic to the people around me, and it drives people away. On the same hand I think it's deceitful to be as mild-mannered as I've been the past year, especially on the romantic front. I want them to see my mania and know what it means.
Sooooo, yeah. Onto the goal portion!
Primary I got like 37 hours of work in this week, so not nearly as much as I'd like. But my bigger paycheck was less than I was anticipating as well, so my car still is not paid off. Also apparently I need to get a doctor's note to donate plasma again? I guess I've just been donating too much S: I have budgeted much better this month though!
What I learned
Sometimes, you just have to rest.
Secondary I improvised 1 hour? ): But I did play around with a new blues improv bit. Didn't write at all or put together any sort of improv group, lets see about this next week.
What I learned
Again, gotta rest, and usually it's just better to do big chunks of stuff and not spread it out so much, if you can do it, do it.
Upkeep
a. Didn't run at all...
b. I did finish reading that book from last week! So score!
c. I did sing, had some choir practice go down.
d. I did not read any BoM, but I did pray daily! And I bought a new Book of Mormon for the Neilson challenge because I lost the other one...
e. I did go on a date, but it was a very relaxed one, we just watched Bells of Notre Dame and it was lovely. (: I played DnD yesterday! And while I don't enjoy the game nearly so much as I used to I think I'll like it again someday... May be a while though, just too work focused right now.
f. I did do all of my Chinese study I planned on doing. While we were playing DnD I just got out my notebooks and finished up my stuff...
What I learned
Upkeep stuff works, but really any goal without a long-view in mind is just sort of meh, I made the same mistake on the Secondary section.
So, next week, I'm not going to list my goals here. I think it was fun for a bit, but it's a little oversharing I suppose? Not that I'm terribly worried about that, I just put a whole diatribe up there about how I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, but I think it's important to share things like that, and doing it more casually sort of takes the bite off of it I think. I may go back to doing the goal thing. So if you have to wonder what my goal is for this week, it's to experiment with higher energy emotional states.
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